Posted in Uncategorized

My Soundtrack 

There’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach I can’t shake it. On a good day, bad day, whatever. It really doesn’t matter the feeling goes nowhere. I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m not cute, this hair thing was a commitment I wasn’t prepared for. I’m just bald head and round. I am alone. I don’t make good decisions. I have no friends. I can’t accomplish my goals. This is just my life. It’s all there no matter what things come and go. I remember that I’m nothing. I feel incapable of success. 

This train of thought plays on a loop in my head so that I never forget. 

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized

Anxiety 

I wonder if it’s not a mistake 
So many people, myself included struggle with anxiety. Maybe it’s just something people are more open about but in my crazy opinion it seems like you’re more susceptible to anxiety because of life.  

When you scroll on Facebook, watch the news, listen to the radio or watch your favorite talk show there are always these “hot topics”. There’s always something crazy and negative happening. Some of it is just natural disaster but most of it is crazy people! Shooting up clubs, killing innocent people, killing your kids, raping someone, beheading someone, cyber bullying, murdering church members, the list is never ending. All the places you should be able to enjoy have been tainted. Church, your neighborhoods, the police station, school, the club, the airport, your next taxi ride. Where does the list end? Why should we not be fearful? What safe heaven do we have? Why is it looked down upon or mocked that someone would suffer from an illness and be gripped by fear when they have to exude caution with everything. You can’t have open sexual preferences, you have to be careful about what clothes you wear, you never know who is really there to help. Your teacher, your mother, the local police anyone could be the next murderer and you just never know. Anxiety should be the standard. Being aware and proceeding with caution is smart. I mean fear shouldn’t be the way of life but it’s not really strange considering…

Posted in Uncategorized

Where Lack of Trust Takes You

I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe in me. How can I trust that someone else loves and accepts me when I can’t even imagine myself being anything more than what I already am. I’m a mess and I don’t feel ashamed. I’m so tired of hiding that I tell too much information. I’m so lonely and spend so much time away from others that I’m fearful. I’ve been so stuck for so long that I just don’t feel capable of greatness. I don’t even feel like I know how to believe. I have no trust, I feel betrayed and forgotten about. I don’t know where to start to make sense of it all. 
I just want to spend my time being creative while spreading and receiving genuine love. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Special Needs Children 

Every child is special needs. Not because each child has a disorder but because your dealing with a human whose brain is not fully developed. They have missing connections because they are young. 
They don’t understand A LOT and they won’t unless you teach them. All they know is how they feel and it consumes them. They might not even understand what the exact emotion is but they understand that they feel something strong. 
They have no common sense they can’t connect the dots. They need direction. Be an example. 

Posted in Uncategorized

You Don’t Know When it’s Time

Please don’t tell me when it’s time to be okay. My summer has picked up in May and ended in a world wind. I’ve experienced anxiety depression and now grief like never before. I’ve struggled with depression a long time the others not so much. Usually my depression come and goes in waves. I’m able to pick myself up again and snap back into it. Maybe that’s my problem. Well more correctly, that’s other people’s problem. Everyone is so used to me handling myself they don’t find it necessary to be helpful or understanding when a prolonged bout of depression takes over. Usually it’s like a dark cloud is just covering me. But like most clouds they evaporate with time. This depression is different. This depression starts in my heart. My heart literally aches when I wake up in the morning. My entire being is heavy and weighed down. My life might as well be going in slow motion. I feel every moment and it’s agonizing. I hate being who I am, I hate experiencing my life. I hate that everyone around me think it’s some kind of bad day that you just wake up cured from. Something has taken over my mind, by default changing my mood my actions and my train of thoughts. If you don’t understand be grateful. Grateful that you don’t know the pain and weight of this kind of disease. But for the love of God do not say you understand. Until you have walked down this road and experienced what I’ve experienced in my life you do not understand. You have no earthly idea what it feels like to carry the weight of disappointment, anger, murder, discontent, unemployment, loss, physical illness, homelessness, and loneliness on your back. You don’t understand. You don’t know when it’s time to pick myself up and brush myself off. And you should hope to God that I don’t “get better” before it’s actually time because what you’re inviting into society is dangerous. When you suggest this preposterous idea that I should hurry along and pull it all together you are opening danger and wreckage into your life. You are sending out an open invitation for misery to wreak vengeance all over your life. You are allowing the situation to fly off the hinges. You are being careless. I’ll tell you when it’s time for me to be okay. Follow my cues, respect my space, be honest and don’t give me advice when you have nothing to offer that could possibly impact my situation. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Just Talking…

I feel so trapped! I guess this is depression, I don’t friggin know. I am spiraling down. It’s been four months without a job. Three months of borrowing money, about $600+ per month. You start feeling pretty low after the first month. There are only so many people who have money to give and only so many people who are close enough to want to give. I’ve cut my hair which was cute at first but now I look ridiculous every time I go outside. Well, I don’t go outside because I look awful and it’s discouraging. But I do not have a job. I’m trying to get a job. I spend hours filling out applications, I go on interviews, I just don’t get jobs. I’m not sure why I don’t get jobs. I wish employers would tell you why you don’t fit the job that way you would know what to work on.

I’ve gained weight, I love to cook, I never feel like I’ve had enough. I hate going to sleep, it’s like I truly avoid it. I hate wasting that much time doing nothing, I hate 6dealing with the way my life is. It’s like falling asleep solidifies everything that sucks about life. I hate waking up just because I’ve always hated waking up lol it’s a process.

I hate being around other people. It’s like a stage! You go out around people and all eyes are on you. People care what you ware, how you look, where you’ve been, what your plans are its so invasive and the silence is unbearable. The talking is even worse. Unfortunately, people don’t understand what that feels like so they poke and joke assuming it’s going to help or lighten the mood. It makes me so angry, I can’t even explain in words the rage that I feel.

I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now. Don’t even get all bunched up, it’s just an honest statement. My life right now has never been more pointless. I don’t work, I don’t really have friends, I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have strong religious beliefs, I can’t afford school, I’m on the brink of losing everything we have, I don’t have a house of my own. There’s nothing. Every morning I wake up and have an overwhelming amount of nothing to do or stand for. My entire being has become about nothing. I live breath eat and sleep nothing, there are no advances no next moves nothing to look forward to because everything is nothing.

What’s the point? I keep trying to figure it out. I can’t. Nothing makes sense, nothing has meaning, I don’t enjoy the hours that I spend awake and I hate going asleep. Oh and I also hate being around other people.

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s Okay to be Christian 

Now me, I’m a horrible Christian. I curse even when I’m not mad, I drink sometimes, I listen to whatever music I want and I mean the list of imperfection goes on and on. But regardless of that list I still claim Christianity and I do it without feeling guilty of hypocrisy (just kidding I feel like a hypocrite all the time but that’s a different post). And here’s why…
“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Gods never required perfection from me, or you either for that matter! People for some odd reason expect all Christians to be this magnificent reflection of perfection and it’s impossible. I will never be perfect and neither will you. I’m not striving for perfection I’m just striving to be Christ-like. That means loving others and being sacrificial. Of course that will show itself in my lifestyle but it will never result itself as perfection because humans are incapable of perfection.
What’s in your heart is what counts and it will always show itself in your actions.

“For what he thinketh in his heart, so is he…” Proverbs 23:7 KJV

With the right heart God will meet you where you are at and help you to get to where he wants you. It’s a long process full of love, failure & small victories. It doesn’t happen overnight. Allow yourself time to just figure it out and walk with God as best you can for the season of life you are in. You’ll look back and be a brand new person before you know it.

Posted in Uncategorized

Grieving… Pt 1

So this is a thing. I thought it would be some great strategic process that happened somewhat quickly and then you just move on. but its not. it’s a very long drawn out process that takes on a mind of its own.

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss. It is mental, emotional, physical, cognitive, social, behavioral and spiritual. Grief completely alters your state of being. Also grief can be felt from a number of different crisis, its not only death. you can experience grief from the loss of your job, a negative turn in your health, divorce, loss of a cherished dream, loss of financial stability, a miscarriage, retirement, any kind of significant life altering absence.

There are supposedly stages to grief, I’m not sure of the truth behind that statement because grieving is so individual. Most of the stages that are so often mentioned I never experienced. What I did experience was great devastation and what seemed to be an unescapable depression. And in my case it was delayed. I was put in the forefront of planning so that kept me busy. Then I tried to busy myself with other peoples lives which was a big mistake. I then grew angry and bitter and couldn’t tolerate being around anyone.

I was expected to grieve. what ever the heck that meant! There are no instructions on the matter. My body and mind just decided to take on a personality of its own and my heart felt painfully empty. All I wanted to do was cry and talk. I didn’t exactly want to talk but I would. Someone would ask me a question and I would just give all the information I possibly could. I guess emotionally speaking, I didn’t want to hide anymore. I had been hidden, quiet and in control for so long.  I mean years before my mother passed. I was just trapped behind a wall I deemed necessary for myself.

I’m just at the beginning of this process. So I’m not here to tell you how to cope (sorry cant help ya!). I’m actually here for my own selfish reasons. I need an outlet, I need to do something I love to do. I also need a time capsule, I want to see how I’ve grown and what I’ve overcome. So cheers to the beginning!

Posted in Uncategorized

What Plan!?

In life there’s no such thing as a solid plan. If you think you have one, rest assure that life will prove you wrong. I tried to do a five year plan and I’m on Plan H right now. Make sure you are in a place financially and mentally where you can just go with the flow because you will have to adjust to whatever life throws at you.
1. Create a savings

Some money is better than no money. So when you get a flat, when your insurance rates hike up, when you loose your job or your account is hacked you won’t be up a creek. Create a certain amount of money to set aside each pay period and don’t touch it until you have an “oh shit!” moment.
2. Give yourself options

Dont settle for one thing. Keep your options open so that if something doesn’t fall through you aren’t completely torn. Do your research find comparable things and have two or three back ups.
3. Be flexible

Condition your mind to know that life is t always what it seems and it may not go according to plan. I am a person that hates the unknown but as I got older I had to loosen up a bit to realize at the end of the day everything is okay. Whether it went how you wanted or not.

Posted in Uncategorized

Dating My Twenties 

Everyone talks about your twenties. It’s the time where you be free, explore the world around you, get to know yourself & attempt to get a hold on life. Well for the couple of years that me and my twenties have been together I have not embraced those golden nuggets. As of late I’ve had lots of life changes and I now want to embrace the hell out of those tips.
Lately I’ve noticed that I’m an awfully cool person. I have struggled sooooo hard with depression & self loathing but as I grow I realize what people have told me and the mindset I’ve adapted isn’t exactly parallel to reality. I’m kind, sassy, smart, ambitious, giving, sarcastic and a whole heap of other things. The thing that shocked me most is that people like those things about me. I don’t have to hide them or conform to someone else. I can be me and have a life I’ve always wanted. I’ve always sheltered myself from experiences to try and fit a mold and now while I’m dating my twenties I want to give it my all. I want to fall in love with these years and spend every minute of them living life to the fullest.
Now when you date you’ve got to do things that have impact and make a lasting impression. That’s how you go from dating to being in a relationship. Here are a few things I think you should do while dating your twenties.
Start a Savings 

It’s nothing worse than going from broke to broker. It’s no secret that your twenties are usually not your most lucrative years but you can take proper steps to be secure in your thirties. Whether it’s a monthly or weekly amount please I beg of you to make sure you are putting your money in a safe place and allowing it to accumulate. You can do this best in three ways

1. Save all your change. Then at the end of the year roll up your coins and deposit it to your SAVINGS account.

2. Have a monthly savings amount. At first my amount wasn’t a set amount it was whatever I could manage to do without. That is perfectly fine! Don’t feel pressured to live beyond your means, do what works best for your lifestyle.

3. Invest your money. Now I’m no accounting expert so I can only give you limited information here. When you invest your money it’s a long term thing and your money grows without you doing anything it doesn’t get any easier than doing nothing!

Travel…alone 

You will never know how fun this can be until you do it. It sounds like a loser’s plan and actually really scary but it’s so much fun. In my opinion, you get a chance to be yourself in a way you’ve never done it before. Traveling alone also puts you in a position to meet new people and EVERY twenty year old needs friends!
Establish Your Best Friend 

Your twenties are hard, say it with me! Our twenties are hard. You absolutely need a solid rock, someone to get you through the different stages. People say you meet your truest friends in college. There’s no experience like a college experience let me tell you that! But, I was lucky enough to meet mine in middle school and well she’s the best of course!
Try Try & Try Again

Try it…whatever it is just try it. You have little responsibility and sometimes a lot of free time. Use those things to your advantage! This is where you can have amazing life experiences.

Love You!!

This is the most important of them all. Learn to love who you are and your potential. Spend time getting to your core and become an amazing INDIVIDUAL.